The Only Hope For Me Is You
by hollybrighton
Summary: Ben was incredibly, irrationally, head-over-heels in love with Travis, that much was sure. And it was up to him to fix the gaping hole in his best friend's heart. AU (no zambies!), slash, M for smut and some dark themes (later on). Contains OCs, but only as supporting characters.
1. Perfect, Sort Of

"So we made it to senior year, how about that?" Travis laughed.

Ben smiled. It was a good day, despite being the last day of summer. They were gathered in his room to celebrate (this term being used very loosely) the beginning of their last year of high school together. He sat on his bed next to his best friend of twelve years. On the floor were his next best friends, Charlotte and Quinn, whom he had known since the 6th grade.

Charlotte was an enigma. He considered her stunningly attractive, but was also Stunningly Not Attracted to her. She felt exactly the same way about him. They had been Stunningly Not Attracted to each other since the day they had met, and instead had built a kinship over how terrible orchestra kids were, and how you NEVER want to drink orange juice after you have brushed your teeth because Terrible Orchestra Kids told you it tasted delicious. They had hit it off, and their relationship had matured from complaining about orchestra kids and toothpaste to telling each other everything, because there are some things that you just don't mention to your very male, very straight, very _attractive _best friend.

Quinn however, was different. He joked and laughed and made small talk with her when she was around, but he had a vague feeling she didn't enjoy being around him as much as he did her. It could be his paranoia. But then again, he was used to that particular feeling.

Travis sat next to Ben, his legs crossed, with a very nonchalant, Travis-like air about him. His black hair was slicked back like it usually was, even though he was the least formal person Ben knew, because he hated the way it looked when it was natural. Ben had seen it like that a thousand times during the millions of hours he had spent with the boy, and thought it was wonderfully adorable and wished he would leave it like that more often. He was wearing a gray hoodie that had the words "SPECIAL FORCES" in block letters across the front. His dad had been in Special Forces and he often liked to brag about the fact any time he wore the hoodie and met someone new.

Travis was perfect, simply speaking. Even if he was sometimes fucking insane and wanted to skip class with Ben to do the dumbest things like go to the mall and try on stupid sweaters that made him look even more handsome than he already was or go to the goddamn circus (which Ben would never ever forget even if he lived to be 104 and have Alzheimer's), or brag to Ben about how he had snuck out of his house in the middle of the night to do indescribable things with his girlfriend, or had unpredictable, aggravating mood swings and periods where he was an absolute jerk to Ben. There was no point in denying it anymore. He had wasted two, almost three years of his life already doing that. No, Ben could finally admit to himself, albeit nobody else (except maybe Charlotte) that his adoration for Travis was far beyond that of a best friend's.

"Not only that, but you somehow managed to pass all your classes," Charlotte replied. Ben snapped back into reality.

"You probably cheated off Quinn, so shut up."

"Hey, I never asked for a best friend with a name right next to mine on the roll every year since 3rd grade. Who also happens to be very studious."

"You learned that word from her, didn't you sweetheart?"  
"Actually no, buttass."

Ben listened to his two best friends bicker. Every time the four of them got together it seemed that their main goal was to spite each other. "It's like you get off on it," He had once told them. And it was certainly plausible that they did, seeing as they had been like this since that one time in seventh grade they dated for a week. But it was common knowledge in the group that they were forevermore in each other's friend-zones, and both were perfectly happy with that fact.

All of a sudden Ben heard a giggle coming from the door to his room. He turned around and Elizabeth was there, peeking her head in with a mischevious smile on her face.

"Ben! D'you wanna come play dress-up with me?" She asked.  
Just as he was about to shoot her down and tell her no, he was busy doing absolutely nothing with his three closest friends and would like to not give them a reason to tease him until the world's end for being super duper in the closet, which was sadly true, Travis swooped in as only he could and said, "I'll play dress up with you, Lizzy."

"You fearless bastard." Ben chuckled. "You know this is destined to be a post on Facebook, don't you?" To which Travis replied, "Heck yeah, because I am comfortable with myself enough to dress like a pretty princess, and also don't use naughty words around small children."

Ben was sure Lizzy didn't understand most of what they were saying but she did protest, complete with a pouty face "Hey! I'm seven! I'm not _small!"_

So of course Travis, like the total weirdo he was, got up, walked out of the room with Ben's seven year old sister, and came back five minutes later, true to his word, with a sparkly tiara on his head, a pink purse strung over his shoulder, a light-up wand in his hand, and a goofy smile on his face.

"Bow down before me, sniveling peasants." Travis said in a completely serious tone. "You are now in the presence of royalty." Lizzy was giggling uncontrollably behind him and ran off back in the direction of the toy room, possibly to dress herself in similar princess garb.

Charlotte snorted. "Okay, Mr. Pretty Princess. Whatever you say." She kneeled and bent over, flipping him off as she bowed up and down. Quinn looked on from her own comfort zone, amused.

"That's not a very nice thing for a peasant to do." Travis waved his wand at her. "There. You are now an ant. That'll teach you, peasant."

"Enough with the "peasant", buttass."

"I WILL NOT REFRAIN FROM STATING THE TRUTH!"

Ben laughed. "Guys, enough screaming. My dad is gonna get pissed."

Travis sat back down on the edge of the bed. "Your fucking dad can kiss my ass. He should be used to twelve years of my bullshit by now."

Ben honestly had to agree, but was a little put off by how Travis had talked about his dad. He had no idea what had triggered his outburst; but then again, there comes a time when you stop trying to figure out Travis. You just gradually grow accustomed to the odd ways in which his mind works.

Charlotte laughed. "So anyway. College. Do you know where you guys wanna go yet? Cause you should."

"I love it when you talk academic to me, sweetheart." Travis said without looking up. He was fiddling with his phone. Ben studied his face. His playful words did not match up with his expression, which looked concerned.

Quinn was the first to answer. "Probably UGA." She looked thoughtful. "I hear they have a great American History program, and that's what I want to major in."

"Me too. About going to UGA, I mean. I know it kinda sounds bad, but I don't really care which college I go to. I just wanna go to goddamn college, you know? Get out of this dumpy town and be somewhere I don't know everybody." Charlotte said.

"Same here." Ben sighed. He knew a lot of Stone Mountain kids would probably be going there, but it'd be a lot better than the current interaction he had with most of them, which usually resulted in him being called a faggot and laughed at, with no response on his end. That was the main difference between him and Travis: when confronted, he backed down, he let himself be made a fool of. It was easier than fighting back. But Travis loved confrontations. He got a kick out of embarrassing the person who tried to bring him down— a witty remark and a dry smile, and he was on his way. Travis was so much better at playing people and knowing how to work them, and that was both a blessing and a curse.

"What about you, Trav? Do you know where you're going?" Quinn asked.

Travis snapped his head up, a deer in the headlights look crossing his face for a second. "Yeah, uh, no. Don't have time for that." He looked away, towards the door. "I uh, actually gotta go."

There was a prolonged moment of silence. Charlotte finally broke it by quipping, "I hope not like that. Stealing from little girls is so not a royal thing to do."

"Ha ha. I'm not. Sorry I have to leave." Travis said, not sounding very sorry. He took off his princess accessories and stood up. "I'll talk to you guys later." And with that, he was gone.

"Wonder what's got his panties in a wad," Charlotte muttered. "Whatever. If he's gonna act like that, he better leave."

Ben, without thinking, stood up and walked right out the door after him, despite Charlotte's loud protests of "Hey! Where the hell are you going?!"

"Travis." He approached his best friend, with no reply. He grabbed his shoulder and swung Travis around. "Talk to me. Why are you leaving so abruptly?

Travis did not look amused. "Because you use stupid words like 'abruptly', that's why."

"No, I'm _serious_, Trav. What is wrong? Tell me. Or else."

Travis threw back his head and laughed, long and loud, and actually dared to say "I'm fucking fine, okay? Nothing's wrong. Stop worrying."

Ben changed his tone. "Travis," he said softly. "I'm just... a little worried about you, okay?"

Travis stopped in his tracks and did a 180 that was ridiculously typical of him. He looked down. "I'm sorry." He apologized. He gave Ben a little smile, a genuine one, the kind of shy, adorable grin that drove Ben crazy. He fucking hated himself for admiring the way his best friend bit his lip when he smiled, especially at times when he was acting like this, and he decided he needed a new hobby that replaced noticing all the little things Travis did subconciously. "I don't want you worrying about me." He grabbed Ben's hand to remove it from his shoulder. Ben felt his heart skip a beat from the contact and hated himself even more.

"O-okay." He still felt uneasy about his friend's mood. The thing that scared him the most was that he had no idea where Travis was about to go or what he was about to do. _Note to self, _Ben thought, _Next time you fall in love, pick someone who's not so goddamn unpredictable. _Except he didn't even know if there would even be a next time. He had never possessed the ability to get over people quickly; while of course the very person he had been pining over for three years always had.

"I'm gonna go now, okay sweetheart?" Ben hated his stupid habit of calling people he was close to 'sweetheart'. It made him feel like they were in a relationship and he really couldn't handle that kind of teasing. "Try not to die while I'm gone." Travis joked and turned around to leave.

"Same for you," Ben called after him, except he wasn't joking.

Ben nearly had a heartattack when Travis finally texted him six hours after the others had left, in the middle of the night.

The text read,  
"Come 2 the forrest,,,, behind stoneville,,,, fucking hurry".

* * *

**Hey guys! I know this chapter seems a bit boring, but it's just setting up the story. It will get better :) I have the next three chapters written already, but if anyone is actually reading this, constructive criticism would be nice :) this is really the first fanfiction I've ever written, so I'd like to know how to improve. **

**I'm going to upload the next chapter tomorrow. Thanks so much for already reading this and paying attention to my rambling. • u • -Amy**


	2. Adventures in Babysitting

It was dark outside and a silver fog had settled around Ben. The moon was out and shining brightly, illuminating the area before his feet. "Travis?" He called out. He had been searching for what had seemed like an hour, but according to his phone was only ten minutes. He made his way through the familiar territory, pushing through branches and hopping over streams. He finally arrived at a small clearing, a place where the two had met many times before.

It had been a while since he had met Travis in this particular spot. They had a lot of secret hideouts, their main one being the forest in between their houses. Ben had never told anybody about the meetings— partially because he feared being made fun of, and partially because he felt as if anybody else knew about them, they wouldn't be special anymore. It was like a secret pact they had always shared.

Ben strained his eyes, searching for his friend in the dark. He finally saw Travis propped up on a tree trunk about ten yards away. Ben broke into a run. "What the hell, dude? What happened to you!?"

Travis looked awful. He was covered in bruises and scratches, and had a black eye. His jeans were ripped at both knees, and he was holding a bottle in his left hand. That was definitely not a good sign. Ben squatted down beside him. Travis looked him right in the eye, gave him a goofy smile, and said "Sup."

"Fuck, man," Ben sputtered. "Seriously, what did you _do?_"

"That depends," Travis answered, his speech obviously slurred. "Do you want the truth, or the cool version?"

Ben sighed. "The truth."

"Please."

"PLEASE!"

"Thank you. So like, I got a text from this asshole, y'see? And he wanted to fight me, for some goddamn stupid reason I can't even remember. So I was like "Alright you dumb cock licker, let's take this outside." The next thing I was standing here and guess what? He brought friends." Travis took a swig from the bottle. "So they took me and shoved me around a bit, y'know, and then I was down on the ground and it was totally _not fair. _Well anyway after some time they left and I got real bored and mad. Which's soooo _not _a fun combination. So I took a trip down to good old Stonewood mall."

"Well in case you hadn't noticed, I'm 17. So, like, I'm not technically supposed to be getting hammered _yet_." He ended the sentence with a hiccup. "So I just take a walk down the street and walk right in to Beverage Club and grab a bottle of grey goose and the dude is all like "Lemme see some ID," and I just straight up tell him, "I don't have one." And he was so confused for a second that I just ran right out the door. He started chasing me and barely got into the woods before the dumb motherfucker ran outta breath and just gave up. Then I tripped over a branch, twisted my ankle, and here I am," Travis ended, in an almost amused tone of voice.

Ben stood there, baffled. "I'm your damsel in distress, Ben deary," Travis shouted. "You came here to _rescue_ me, riiight?" He held out his hand.

Ben considered it for moment, then reluctantly took his hand and helped him up. If he was anybody else, he would just apologize and leave Travis to get himself together on his own. But he was a complete pushover, and when it so happens that your best friend who you're in love with is drunk off his ass and looking like he just escaped a mental institution, you are most definitely going to help.

"Alrighty, up we go," Ben grunted as he helped Travis up. The shorter boy lost his balance and Ben fumbled to catch him, ending up in a sort of French dipping position, which made Ben blush and Travis giggle. Man, was he drunk if he was _giggling._

Ben draped Travis's arm over his shoulder, and they began the ten minute journey home. "You know tomorrow's gonna be horrible, right? First day of school, remember? You'll be majorly hung over."

"Who says I'm even going?" Travis raised his hand as if to take another swig, then realized that his bottle was gone, and looked incredibly disappointed.

"I do," Ben replied.

"What're you now, my MOM?" Travis barked. "I'm sleepin', baby. Nobody's makin' me go back to that shithole."

When they got to Travis's house, Ben tested the door handle. It was unlocked, surprisingly. Travis's family was one of the richest in town and were rather well-known. They had a lot of valuable posessions, and Travis was always giving gifts to his friends. He would always get extremely annoyed whenever someone refused them.

Ben opened the door, dragged Travis in, and very carefully closed it. Travis fell down and nearly hit his head on the first stair. "Whoa, okay. I don't trust you enough to take a shower. Come on, let's get up. We're taking a bath. I mean, um, _you're _taking a bath." Ben stammered. He once again grabbed Travis and they began the slow ascent upstairs.

Ben flicked on the light switch to Travis's bathroom. "I'm just gonna get the water started, okay?" He assured. "You can, uh, you know, do the rest yourself."

However, Travis did not look very capable of doing anything himself currently. "Ben," he whined. "I hurt all over."

"Okay, alright, I'll fix you up," Ben assured him. He noted the sudden change in mood once more. _What is wrong with him lately...?_ "Just sit down. Um," Ben whispered. "I kind of have no idea what I'm doing..."

Travis just looked up at Ben, puppy eyes in full effect. "Just make me better," he pleaded, in a tone so sweet it melted Ben's heart.

"Okay, okay, I'll try, I promise. Ummm... so... disinfectant. Yeah. That." Ben rummaged around in the medicine cabinet and found a small yellow tube that he had seen before. He really hoped it was the right stuff. He squeezed a blob of the liquidy substance on his finger and started rubbing it on Travis's cuts.

"Ow! Dammit! It huuurts!" Travis yelped.

"Stop squirming, you're gonna make me mess up."

After a few more minutes of Ben disinfecting and Travis whining, Ben told him, "I have no idea what to do about your ankle. So um, just take that bath now. Uh, call me if you need help."

Travis just continued to stare into his eyes. "What?" Ben asked, a little irritated and a little anxious.

"Help me get in?"

"I..." Ben could feel himself begin to blush. He panicked. It felt like the end of the world. This incredibly attractive boy he had a huge crush on was now asking him to strip him _naked_, and continue _touching him_ while naked, and his brain was going haywire and making him say things like "Alright." Wait. No. Had he really just said that?

_Crap._

He knew he shouldn't be, but he was grateful that Travis was drunk right now- he probably wouldn't even remember this whole ordeal, so what did Ben have to lose?

"I can uh, close my eyes if you want?" Ben tentatively asked. Travis did not respond. "Okay, uh... lift your arms up. Oh come on dude, you're not that helpless. Okay, thank you." Ben pulled Travis's shirt off of his battered body. He had seen Travis shirtless countless times, but he still felt that familiar pang deep in his stomach, and the urge to stare. And stare he did. He admired every inch of the older boy's pale, coffee-colored skin, every scar, and every freckle. There was something indescribably cute about freckles, and the fact that Travis had them made it even more attractive.

"Pants." Travis said, still looking up at him with that odd expression.

No no no no no no. Shirt he could do, but taking off his pants? That was a whole other story. "Are you _sure_ you can't do this by yourself?" Ben implored. Travis vigorously shook his head.

_Fuck. _He undid the button on Travis's pants, then the zipper. _This feels like a fucking porno scene, _Ben thought to himself. Then a smaller voice inside him said, _I wish it was._

He grabbed Travis's hand and pulled him up into a standing position. He ended up a lot closer than he had intended, and the two were mere centimetres apart. Ben stared into Travis's deep brown eyes, entranced. He felt Travis's warm breath on his lips and began to feel a bit dizzy. The top of his boxers were peeking out from his jeans and he had that distinctive Travis scent about him and he was gazing into his eyes and Ben wasn't sure if it was just his imagination but Travis was getting closer, and closer, and he was just about to close his eyes and lean in for that magical, wonderful Thing he had been mentally preparing himself for since he was fifteen years old, when Travis took a step back and tumbled headfirst backwards into the bathtub.

"Whoa! H-hey! Are you okay..?" Ben panicked and ran over to the tub. Travis didn't answer and for a second Ben was terrified that he had broken his neck or something horrible. He was about to flip out when Travis gave him a weak thumbs-up sign. Ben sighed in relief. Travis's jeans had come off in the process of falling, so all that was left was his underwear. Still displaying an annoying amount of red on his cheeks, Ben bent over, concentrated on a particularly interesting spot on on the wall, tugged his friend's boxers off and flung them into the opposite corner. Marveling at his own self-control and still staring down the same exact wall-spot, he turned the water on and adjusted the temperature to hot. Ben quickly turned around to leave. "Please don't drown," he muttered. _I was so close._

"Nooo, stay here," Travis whined. Ben, still facing the door, sighed and sat down on the toilet seat. "Fine."

Minute after minute passed by where there was nothing but tense, awkward silence. Then Travis seemed to have gotten himself together, and started washing himself. "Why do you want me to stay here if you're not gonna talk to me?" Ben asked.

"Cause I like it when you're around me," Travis answered. Ben felt a little spark of happiness. He'd never heard anything like that from him. Travis was not the talky type when it came to emotions. If he liked you, he'd show you with a "bro hug", or a slap on the back, or a brilliant smile, and if you were of the female gender, something else entirely.

When Travis was finished, Ben threw him a towel, and after the older boy left the room, Ben got up and drained the bathtub, deep in thought. He pulled out his phone to text Charlotte.

"_At Trav's house. He's drunk. As in, shitfaced. Had to rescue him. The Thing almost happened. Please advise."_

Only thirty seconds later came her reply:

"_Fucking tap that!"_

Ben sighed, and sent back,

"_That'd be wrong. That'd be taking advantage of him. I'm not like that."_

Another minute passed by, then:

"_You're right, sorry. But I really don't know what to tell you. Take care of him, I guess, but you probably already have, like the good boyfriend you are. Will be. Maybe. Anyway, its almost 3. Go home, and get some sleep so you aren't dead tomorrow. Night. Xoxo"_

_Thanks, Char. That really helped_, Ben thought to himself. He put his phone away and made his way to Travis's room.

Travis was sprawled out on his bed, groaning. "Heeelp."

He flipped Travis over and straightened him out, pulling the covers over him. Travis lay there, his eyes closed, looking discontented.

"Am I done being your slave now?" Ben crossed his arms. He could feel his eyes getting heavier and heavier with sleep. He was about to call it a night and head home— the sooner, the better, and he was already going to have to run on four hours of sleep during the first day of school. Travis mumbled something inaudible.

"What?"

Travis opened his eyes, looked at him, and patted the space on the bed next to him. Ben sat down there and awaited further instruction.

"Sleep here." He demanded.

"Are you serious? Or is this a joke...?" Ben tentatively asked. He was used to spontaneous sleepovers with his best friend, but none of them had ever turned out like this.

"Yes!" Travis exclaimed. "I'm _lonely _and need _companionship!"_

"Why do I always do everything for you?" Ben accidentally wondered out loud.

"Because you love me," Travis joked.

_If only he knew._

Ben was amazed at how Travis's mood had shifted from spastic and loopy to sweet to agitated all in the span of one hour. It was strange, even for him. Ben laid down and sighed, staring at the ceiling. He was never going to get any sleep.

"Thanks," Travis muttered into his pillow, already drifting off.

Ben closed his eyes. He counted the seconds that passed, hoping it would help him fall asleep quicker.

He counted to three hundred and seventy eight before he felt Travis move right up behind him. He must have been half-asleep, because he took Ben's arms and pulled them over to him, snuggling into them.

Ben, shocked, laid there for a few minutes. Finally, he turned his head towards Travis to look and see what he wanted. But he was now fast asleep, a tiny hint of a smile on his face.

Ben faced his whole body towards Travis. He studied the boy for a while. Just looking at him was a favorite hobby of his. Normally he would have considered this creepy, but at this point he didn't even care, because a. he was too tired to and b. Travis was asleep. He studied his messy hair, his long black eyelashes, the slope of his nose, the texture of his lips. He had Travis's every feature memorized from twelve long years of knowing him, and yet he was always noticing new things, like the freckle next to his left ear he had just spotted. His body was a canvas of perfection, and Ben fell asleep thinking about how God had spent extra time making Travis the living embodiment of everything right in this world, just to torment him.

He dreamed of a better place, where Travis did not have to drink to willingly fall asleep in his arms.

* * *

**Okay, so I lied. I uploaded the second chapter in the same day xD I'm being generous. So tell me, better? Worse? Review please! I'd rather have a lot of constructive criticism than a bunch of people liking it and not saying anything. Besides, if you took time out of your day to read this, you are a true sir/lady. :) Third chapter tomorrow! Love ya. -Amy **


	3. Broken Glass

Ben opened his eyes. His eyelids were incredibly heavy and he felt very vague and confused for a bit, the way you usually do when you don't wake up in your own bed. He couldn't figure out what was throwing him off. Then he remembered.

He looked down at his best friend, who was snuggled up against him, head buried in Ben's chest. His heart skipped a beat.

Ben looked at the clock on the opposite side of the room. He strained his eyes, and made out that it was 6:12. Ben frowned. That was 48 minutes to get ready and leave for school, and frankly he did not feel like removing himself from his current, wonderful position. The angel on his shoulder told him no, he needed to get up, and go to school like a good boy, like he always was. The devil told him, stay here and you get to be with _him_ and who _knows _what could happen in this very bed, in a day, in an hour, _in a couple of minutes. _And although Ben was a good, punctual, straight A student, he would choose being with Travis over that shithole any day. The choice was easy.

He pulled Travis closer to him, noses touching, hands held, bodies intertwined, and fell asleep right away.

* * *

_"WAKEY WAKEY, YOU HOMOS!"_

This time, Ben shot awake. He sat straight up in bed, and found himself staring a certain dark-haired, cynical Asian girl right in the face. She was standing at the foot of Travis's bed, her eyes wide and her mouth drawn into a thin line. "W-what are you doing here?" He asked her, a little embarrassed at his current predicament.

"Um, I'm here to make sure you two aren't dead," Charlotte answered drily. "You seem fine, but I dunno about him." She nodded towards Travis, who seemed only a quarter of the way awake.

"Wait... what's going on? How did you even know I was here?" Ben rubbed his eyes. _Girls and their stalking powers._

"Process of elimination." Charlotte sat down on the edge of the bed. "You were not at your house, where we explicitly agreed to meet on this very day, earlier this week." Ben winced. He had completely forgotten. "And since you weren't there, I had to console both of your hysterical parents, and after that ordeal I made my way over here, and you guys seemed pretty comfy, and at this point I was gonna be late anyway, so I just left." She gave a dramatic huff, and added, "And it is now 4:57 p.m., in case you were wondering."

Ben felt an awful dread come over him. He was going to be in so much trouble when he got home. Travis would be okay, excepting his hangover, because his parents were pretty laid back, so long as Travis didn't land himself in jail or cause a giant mess of things. But Ben's dad...

Suddenly, Travis stretched and let out a loud, long groan. "Whooo the fuuuuck is touching meee?" he whispered. Ben was suddenly aware that he was still holding Travis's hand, and quickly let go of it.

Travis sat up. "I feel like shit..." he moaned. He turned his head towards Ben, very slowly, squinting his eyes, and asked, "Why are you here?"

Ben just sat there for a moment, feeling a little hurt. He knew one of the symptoms of a hangover was irritability, but a little voice in the back of his head told him that Travis was more than a little disappointed that he had woken up next to Ben and not some pretty girl.

_Travis isn't that mean, though. _Ben thought. _Usually._

Charlotte spoke up. "We'll explain later. Wake yourself up first." With that, she left the room.

Travis flopped over and curled into a fetal position away from Ben, and choked out, "I'm gonna puke..."

Ben sighed. _I should get paid to do this,_ he thought as he got out of bed and helped Travis over to the bathroom.

As soon as they got there Travis collapsed in a fit of coughing and dragged himself over to the toilet, retching. It was an awful, pathetic sight, and Ben felt horrible at the fact that there was really nothing to do but wait for him to get better.

Ben gently laid a hand on his best friend's back and turned away as Travis repeatedly threw up, not having the strongest of stomachs. Just as he thought Travis was done, he started retching into the toilet again. There was nothing for his body to get rid of anymore, so he just sat there, the beads of sweat visible on his forehead. Travis continued hacking and coughing for a few more minutes, and when he was finally finished, Ben silently stood up, flushed the toilet, and helped Travis up. "Wash your face," he muttered.

Ben stood over him as Travis did as he said, splashing his unusually pale face with cold water. Travis then reached for his toothbrush, turned to Ben, and grumbled, "Stop watching me."

"Sorry." Ben, a little miffed, stepped outside the bathroom and closed the door. He looked down off the balcony of the second story and saw Charlotte standing by Travis's front door, waiting for him. He bounded down the stairs and told her, "You don't need to wait for me, you know... my house is just down the street."

Charlotte nodded. "I know. I just wanted to talk to you." _Uh oh._

"About what?"

Travis had emerged from the bathroom, dressed in a white t-shirt and plain blue jeans. His hair was a little frizzy and his face was still a bit pale, excluding his blackened eye, but he looked better than he had a few minutes ago. His brown eyes looked extra bright in the light pouring through the window from the sunset. Even while looking sickly and annoyed, he still managed to be cute.

"Uhh, school. What you missed." She leaned up against a leather couch behind her and crossed her arms. "We all still have band 7th period. And I'm supposed to have physics and calculus with you Ben, and physics with you too, Travis. And I think that's it. All we did today was the typical introductory bullshit, so you really didn't miss out on much."

"Hmm." Travis acknowledged her, still squinting. "Are you okay now?" Charlotte asked him.

"I'm thirsty and I have a killer headache, and you know, like a thousand bruises, but other than that, I guess I'm fine." He shrugged.

"Maybe you should, umm, drink something? That's, you know, not alcoholic," Ben quietly suggested.

Travis groaned. "Don't even talk to me about alcohol right now. I'm on it." He left for the kitchen.

Charlotte took a step towards Ben. "Nice save," he praised her.

"Yeah, ha ha. What I wanted to say is this." She lowered her voice to just above a whisper. "Alcohol has a way of revealing people's secrets."

Ben tried to process this. "What are you getting at?"

"Well, you told me he tried to kiss you. And unless you were bluffing, then your little crush might not be so unrequited after all."

Ben let this sink in for a minute. What Charlotte was suggesting was something he had considered a lot, each time Travis gave him that smile he always saved for him, or said something uncharacteristically sentimental regarding their friendship. Even since That Time and the few weeks after it he couldn't make himself believe that Travis felt anything other than strong friendship for him. He had tried to convince himself that he was just being pessimistic, but deep down he knew he was fighting a losing battle with himself. He shook his head slowly, and sighed, "I don't think so. I mean, he _was_ drunk. There's no way we can just assume based on that one little thing where he _sort of looked like_ he was about to kiss me that he's even attracted to me at all."

"Aw, don't give up, Benny. You're always assume the worst," Charlotte replied, softening her tone a little. It was true. Ben had learned over the course of many mistakes that he should always assume the worst was going to happen. That way, the disappointment and shame wasn't so hard to bear.

Travis let out a long burp from the kitchen, and Charlotte took this as her cue to leave. "Well, my parents are probably on the verge of a police call or something, seeing as I haven't texted them all day. Which, by the way, you should probably do now," She reminded him, sending a feeling of dread into his stomach.

As Charlotte left, Ben went to find Travis. "I should probably go now too," he told him. Travis turned to look at him. His expression was unreadable. "Alright. I'll see ya tomorrow, I guess." Travis gave Ben a quick hug, who held on a little longer than the former.

Ben walked out the front door, looking back as he did, and saw Travis deep in thought, staring at the ground.

* * *

"Hey. Faggot."

Ben concentrated on his feet as he made his way to class the next day. As he usually did, he chose to completely ignore his tormenter, who was today a boy who was rather short, but nonetheless more popular than him. Of course, that wasn't really saying much.

"I know you heard me, Blondie. Pay attention to me, you fuckin' pussy!" He shouted from behind.

"Hey, takes one to know one, buddy. Don't you have smarter things to do than harrass a guy two feet taller than you? Oh wait, you're in athletics, no you don't. Now run before we unleash our dark homosexual magic on you and turn you into _one of us._"

Travis had somehow appeared by Ben's side, seemingly out of midair, and ended up making the boy twist up his face, mutter something unintelligible, and start walking in the opposite direction. "Did you just say we were both gay?" Ben smiled a little, feeling a bit of yesterday's tension slip away, despite the subject matter of the joke.

Travis shrugged. "If he cares that much what two guys do in bed, it says something about him." Ben laughed. Travis always knew what to say to lighten the mood.

The two walked to class together in silence for a minute before Ben asked, "Do we have any classes together?"

The other boy snorted. "Do you seriously expect me to have my schedule memorized? I just know I have English next."

"Me too," Ben replied. "Oh man, I hope those assholes haven't made seating charts," Travis remarked.

"They will once they meet you," Ben joked.

"Hey."

Ben once again lost himself in thought. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get the events from last night out of his head. It seemed like every minute he spent around Travis was a minute making his way across a field of broken glass; not necessarily destructive if he misstepped, but definitely painful. This nagging fear of accidentally revealing his true feelings was constantly plaguing the back of his mind, pushed away only by temporary distractions such as this. Even more persistant was a question that Ben depserately wanted to ask Travis: Why had he decided to get in a fight, with who, and why did he feel the need to get drunk after? Okay, so that was more like three questions, but he couldn't muster up the courage to ask, even at this opportune time, when there was barely anyone in the hallway.

Ben and Travis managed to make a very late dramatic entrance to their first English class of the year, having inadvertantly taken the long way. Their teacher, an older, bespectacled lady, told them sternly to take a seat, and they sat themselves down at the back of the room, "strategically", as Travis had put it.

Travis put his phone down on the desk, laid down his head, and lost himself in his own little digital world for the next fifty minutes. Ben considered doing the same, seeing as his notes were hardly any good and their teacher had a particularly boring way of putting things. He looked at Travis and saw that his eyes were closed and his breathing was slow. Ben looked at the phone in his loose hand, thought, _Why not,_ and took it from him.

He saw conversations from himself, Charlotte, Quinn, the girl he was currently interested in (Ben scowled at the sight of her name, Ashleigh) and one number he did not recognize. Ben looked through the one with Charlotte, which consisted of them arguing over a T.V. show they were both into; the one with Quinn, which was basically just a bunch of "Hey"s, "Hi"s, and "Sup"s exchanged over a long period of time; he skipped over the one with Ashleigh, not in the mood for more envious feelings, and tapped on the unknown number. He knew he really shouldn't be snooping in his friend's messages, but curiosity had gotten the better of him.

There was only one text from the number, dating back to this morning at 8:56  
a.m. When Ben saw it, his stomach dropped.

"_If u tell anyone about what i did 2 u, i will kill u. Thats a PROMISE."_

Ben looked at the sleeping boy, feeling panicked. _Is this the guy he fought? What does he want from Travis...? Is he talking about beating him up... or something else...?_

The questions ran through Ben's mind about a thousand miles a minute as he carefully placed the phone back in Travis's hand. He looked at the time on his own phone and noted that there was only a few minutes of class left. He shook Travis's shoulder to wake him. He wondered if he should bring up the text and admit snooping, or just drop the issue.

Travis yawned and stretched, and Ben decided that he liked Travis's sleepy voice when the latter asked him, "So what did I miss? Absolutely nothing, right?" He smiled, and Ben braced himself for what he was about to do.

"So, uh, your phone lit up this morning when I was awake for a bit, and I noticed you got a text from some weird number," Ben got out, bullshitting a story on the spot. "Uh, it was kinda weird... wanna tell me what that was about?"

Travis's face immediately soured. "No," he answered, a mixture of fear and apprehension in his voice. "And don't read my texts again." The bell conveniently rang just then, and Travis turned away, his body language suggesting hostility. He grabbed his backpack. "Now let's go. We'll be late for band."

Ben internally winced. Maybe that wasn't the best decision. The awkward silence once again continued once again as they made their way downstairs, and Ben couldn't help but hate himself a little more, for every step he tried to take towards Travis seemed to propel him in the opposite direction.

* * *

**To Junjou-DeathNote, thank you so much for reviewing! It means a lot :) Yes, Travis definitely tops in this relationship xD But that doesn't mean he doesn't need Ben to take care of him sometimes. **

**Hope you liked the new chapter! PLEASE REVIEW I WILL GIVE YOU AN INTERNET HUG. -Amy**

**Edit: Had to separate some parts. **


	4. Here's Your Letter

Today the sky was a bright, friendly blue, a mid-September breeze greeting Ben and Travis as they walked home from school. It was Friday, glorious Friday, and much to Ben's delight, Travis had invited him over for the weekend. They hadn't done that in a while, so Ben was in a good mood at the moment, a spring in his step as they traversed the familiar pavement between Travis's house and their educational prison.

He was wearing those damn sweaters again.

That was all he could think about. That, and the fact that Travis wouldn't let him touch his phone anymore, not even if he wanted Ben to get it for him. Ben was pretty sure Travis was the laziest person on the planet, and now he was actually doing things himself. Ben didn't know if that was a good thing, or a cause for worry.

"Sweater weather again, huh?" Ben asked. Travis had his own weird little dress code: summer and spring was t-shirts, button-up and plain; fall and winter was sweater season. "Hey, chicks dig the sweaters, man. Make me look sophisticated." Travis affirmed with a smug grin. "You should try it."

"Nah, no thanks. Sweaters aren't my thing."

"I'm making you wear one this weekend, whether you like it or not." Ben laughed.

Ben was incredibly glad that the awkwardness from Tuesday had faded. Wednesday had not been a good day for either of them. Travis had arrived at school with all the symptoms of Sunday night anew, and Ben had a strong feeling that it wasn't a coincidence. Travis had slept through every class, threw up during lunch, and snapped at everyone who talked to him. Worst of all, he hadn't walked home from school with Ben, breaking a tradition they had upheld since elementary school. It really shouldn't have been such a big deal, Ben thought, but he took it as such. He constantly thought about confronting Travis and demanding that he tell him what was going on, but he didn't want to kill the good mood they had going on, at least not right now.

Ben loved going over to Travis's house. There, he didn't have to worry about his father accosting him every five minutes to lecture him or force him to do his work for him. Ben wanted to like his dad, he really did. He tried so incredibly hard to see things from his point of view, having a stressful job, two children to raise and a high-maintenance wife. But sometimes he just made offhand comments about him or Travis or his friends, or anything he really liked, that made Ben want to go up to his room and scream into his pillow, something he often did. And he didn't even tell his dad half of what happened to him. If something very important happened, he would go to his mom, who was usually very busy. He loved his mom, and sometimes she could be a little naïve, but she was always supportive. Ben's dad was only supportive if he personally liked what Ben was standing for, and he had no idea what his stance on gay rights were, but Ben knew that he could never, ever tell his dad that particular secret, even if he was going to marry a guy.

Besides, Travis had a fun family. Fun meaning that his parents were rarely home, because they both had demanding jobs. His older brother, Nick, was now a junior at the University of Michigan, and when he came down from Ann Arbor to visit, he treated Ben like part of the family. He had the same quick sense of humor as Travis, and Ben could see where he had gotten it from, being a theatre major. Travis's other sibling was his 9 year old sister, Sophie. Although she was two years older than Ben's sister, her and Lizzy had been the best of friends since they were born. Sophie was in the after-school daycare program, so when Ben and Travis got home, they were greeted by silence, as they usually were on school days. Ben's mind wandered off to all the things that could happen in this house with no threat of discovery, and had to remind himself not to get his hopes up. That was the perk of being a pessimist; you were either right, or pleasantly surprised.

They entered through the back door and Travis turned the alarm off. Ben knew the code. That was how much Travis's family liked Ben. If he wasn't so horrible at remembering long sequences, he probably would have known Travis's social security number.

Travis dumped his backpack off by the couch and bolted upstairs. Ben followed suit, albeit in a more collected fashion. As Ben reached Travis's room, the latter flopped down on his bed, arms outstretched. "Here's to a long, blissfully uninterrupted weekend," Travis said, holding out an imaginary glass. "Aaaand I'm bored already." He sat straight up. "What do you wanna do, Benny?"

Ben sat crisscrossed on the floor, and thought for a minute.

_We could do what we did that one Time._

Thank god he hadn't said that out loud. Ben and Travis hadn't talked about That Time since it had happened. That secret, unless someone's life was in the balance, would die with them. It was an unspoken agreement between the two. They had a lot of those– but none as serious as that one in particular.

"Well... we could go walk down Memorial, we could go to the lake, or the resort, we could just sit here and play video games, we can–"

"Whoa whoa whoa, hold the phone. I have a way better idea than any of those."

"Wow, okay."

"No, really. It's good." Travis's face brightened. He looked like a little kid in a candy shop, the way he always did when he had a "great" idea.

"Let's drive to Atlanta."

Well, that was surprisingly tame and anti-climactic. Ben had half-expected him to suggest heleskiing or bungee jumping or something horrifying like that. He seriously hoped Travis would never force him into those activities– Ben sometimes had a hard time just getting on airplanes. "Sounds fun," he replied. "What time should we get up?"

"No, we're gonna go now."

Ben stared at his best friend. "Are you kidding me?"

"Sweetheart, going during the day is no fun."

Travis stood up, ready to head out. Ben stayed put, a little apprehensive of Travis's motivations. "Why do you wanna go to Atlanta so badly?" The city was only thirty minutes away, and he had never been particularly fascinated with it, not being a tourist and having lived in the area since he was five years old.

"I wanna show you something," Travis whispered excitedly.

* * *

On the drive to the city, Travis insisted on blaring blink-182 loudly through the speakers. He was a little proud of the fact that he shared his name with their drummer. The sun was beginning to set, brilliant oranges and pinks blending together in the sky, the sun disappearing behind the clouds. They hadn't spoken in a while, just listening to the music, enjoying the freedom they had, Travis singing along occasionally. Ben looked through the window as they passed car by car, sign by sign.

It was moments like this that made Ben really, truly happy.

_Here's a letter for you _  
_But the words get confused and the conversation dies _  
_Apologize for the past, talk some shit, take it back _  
_Are we cursed to this life_?

"So I don't suppose you're gonna tell me what you want to show me until we get to it." Ben finally broke the silence.

"You suppose correctly."

Ben didn't answer for a while. He was distracted by the sight of the approaching buildings, huge high-rises two hundred feet in the air. He thought about how him and Travis were akin to ants in this city, with its citizens rushing by each other, each with their own stories. In Stone Mountain, a town of five thousand, you run into people you know every day. In Atlanta, you are nearly always a stranger.

_I'm talking to the ceiling _  
_My life just lost all meaning _  
_Do one thing for me tonight _  
_I'm dying in this silence_

Travis drove for five more minutes before he ended up parking in a busy parking lot downtown. Without a word, he got out of the car and slammed the door shut. Ben did the same, and walked around to Travis, who was staring at a building in the distance.

"The aquarium? That's your big scheme?"

"Be patient."

He headed off to the aquarium at an alarming pace and Ben jogged to catch up, becoming increasingly confused about Travis's plan.

Ben vaguely remembered going to the aquarium once when he was maybe six or seven. His mother was pregnant with Lizzy, and very happy back then. He recalled her smiling a lot, holding hands with his father, fascinated by the marine life. Things were a lot better back then.

When they got to the main door, it was obvious that they were closing up, since everybody was going out and nobody was going in. Travis walked up to the official who was standing by the door. "When are you closing?" He asked.

"Ten minutes. Sorry, kiddo. Better luck next time," the man replied.

Travis was unphased. He took out his wallet and discreetly showed the man a few bills. They added up to one hundred dollars.

"Thirty minutes," Travis told him. Ben hung back, uneasy.

The man hesitated, his mustache twitching. "Alright, alright." He grabbed the money and quickly ushered them in. "Don't tell nobody." Travis took Ben by the wrist and dragged him into the aquarium, passing by the crowds of people lining up to leave.

Still holding his wrist, Travis guided Ben through the exhibits. They saw sharks and manta rays, otters and penguins, seahorses and jellyfish and coral reefs. Ben lingered on the dolphins; while all the other animals seemed tired, the dolphins playfully zipped around, chasing each other and doing flips. Their energy was contagious, and when Travis got impatient and called his name, Ben was filled with new excitement and ran up to him, curious to see what was next.

Travis finally stopped in front of a huge communal tank, and sat down on the bench facing the glass. He took a deep breath, and exhaled. Ben wondered if maybe he came here often, knowing the layout so well.

He sat next to Travis, and caught a glimpse of the shorter boy's face. He was immersed in watching the underwater city, with its own bustling lanes of traffic and colorful homes. The place was dark, illuminated only by a few dim lights on the wall behind them and the light from the tanks. He was tinted blue, the reflection of the waves dancing across his face. His eyebrows were slightly raised, like he was waiting for something.

Almost as if on cue, a beluga whale swam up to observe the two of them. It drifted slowly toward the glass, and opened its mouth presumably to greet them. Ben had read somewhere that belugas were known as the "canaries of the sea", and was sure that if the creature could speak English, it would be saying "Hello! How are you! Would you like to be my friend?"

Travis waved at the beluga, and it raised its own fin to return the gesture. Ben couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"Dude! It waved at you!" Ben exclaimed, amazed.

Travis smiled. "Yeah, I think he recognizes me. I come here a lot. It kinda calms me down, I guess. Better than the zoo. More peaceful." He shrugged. "I think his name is Beethoven. It fits."

The two sat there for a minute, watching Beethoven. He seemed as curious about them as they were about him, tilting his head and letting out more noises. Ben was filled with a sense of quiet wonder, and had to wonder why more people didn't go to the aquarium. It really was a fantastical place.

Soon after the security guards found them and escorted them out of the building. Ben looked back and mentally said goodbye to his new friend. He made a vow to visit more often. By this time, the sky had gotten completely dark. There were no stars in the sky, as it often was from the city. Ben was relaxed, in a good mood, and ready to go home and sleep. However, Travis started off in the opposite direction of the car.

"Hey, where are you going...? Ben asked, following him.

"I am not done with you, sir. Come here."

Ben followed Travis until they came to a square in the middle of a cluster of buildings. They stood in front of a wide, tall fountain. Travis checked the time on his Samsung.

"Watch it."

Ben waited for a minute, confused. Then music began to play, loud and clear, and the fountain began shooting water that must have been thirty feet in the sir. A spectactular light and water show ensued, the fountain spraying in time to the music and the lights matching, throwing colors onto the surrounding walls. Travis sat on the edge of the fountain and motioned for Ben to do the same. They watched the show, as it transitioned into a slower song. Ben noticed a couple kissing in the corner of his eye and was suddenly hit with the overwhelming urge to grab Travis and kiss him right then and there. He very nearly did– but the show ended just as he summoned up the courage, and the crowd that had gathered went about their business as usual. Travis turned to him, looking almost bashful, and said "Sorry if that was lame."

"No! It wasn't lame. It was... it was great." Ben said, genuinely meaning it. "I mean, you took the time to show me all this stuff, and uh, it means a lot. I guess." He immediately blushed after he said this. _Why did you say that? Now he'll think you're fucking weird. _

When Ben blushed, it wasn't subtle. His entire face always went red, and right now he was thankful that Travis didn't notice, or at least didn't say anything about it. "Don't mention it." Travis said with a smile, and Ben felt a warm feeling course through him. He hadn't had this much fun in a while. As they walked back to the car, Ben daydreamed relentlessly about kissing Travis by the fountain, and his hand had to be grabbed by Travis again to prevent him from getting run over. He didn't complain.

_The last star left in heaven _  
_Is falling down to earth and _  
_Do you still feel the same way _  
_Do you still feel the same way?_

* * *

By the time Ben and Travis got home, it was about nine p.m. Rain was pouring down from the blackened sky, spattering the car so hard that it shook infinitesimally. The windshield wipers worked overtime, squeaking against the glass, and the radio could barely be heard over the cacophony. Ben sighed. He hated the rain. He looked over at Travis in the driver's seat.

"We're gonna have to make a run for it," Ben said.

Travis looked ahead, and put on the parking brake. "Let's just sit here for a minute."

The two boys sat in the car, Ben wondering why Travis was so calm. They stayed there for a while, at least three minutes, until their silence was interrupted by a flash of lightning and a crack of thunder. Ben jumped in his seat, startled. Travis started cracking up.

"Dude, it's just a little thunder," he laughed.

"Shut up, man. We seriously should go inside."

Travis's face sobered. "No," he whispered defiantly.

Ben noticed Travis staring at him in the corner of his eye, and turned his head to meet his gaze. Ben's heart inexplicably skipped a beat. He felt Travis looking him all over, and got a nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach. Those infuriatingly brown eyes bore into him with such intensity that Ben had to ask, "Are you _okay?_"

Suddenly Travis lunged forward, planted his lips firmly on Ben's, and did not let go for a very, very long time.

Ben nearly squeaked in shock. He felt his face go red, his whole body suddenly frozen up, and despite being somewhat chilly before, flushed with heat. Travis brought his hands up to Ben's face, pulling him closer, their mouths moving against each other, Ben tangling his hands in Travis's hair. Travis moaned, and Ben felt a new sensation in the lower hemisphere of his body.

They broke apart, staring at each other for a moment. Unspoken words passed between them, and then Travis was pulling off his shirt, and Ben was scrambling to do the same. Their lips came crashing together again, this time with tongue, and Ben wrapped his arms around Travis, clawing at his back, wanting to be as close as humanly possible to him. Travis pulled away, only for a second, pressed his forehead to Ben's, the both of them breathing heavily, and whispered, "I love you–"

Then Ben woke up.

* * *

**Whoever you are, thank you so much for actually reading this far! I have to apologize because I've never written about anything more intimate than hugging. Ever. So if anyone could give me advice, that would be super. xD If you review, I will marry you. But only if that's cool with you. See you in around a few days to a week :) -Amy**


	5. Iceberg

**_OMG I'M FINALLY BACK. Yeah, sorry about that, real life kinda got in the way, and then I had writer's block, which sucks. I'm still kind of making up (some of) the plot points of this story as I go along, it's actually waaay different than it was when I first envisioned it. So if anyone has suggestions, that would be so so so so awesome. Seriously, put your ideas out there. I need help, lol. That being said, this is the first smutty thing I've even attempted to write. Like, ever. So, in advance, I apologize for any headdesking that might ensue while reading it (I am also not a guy, so there's that.) Helpful feedback would be nice! Tell me what I should work on/add in/take out without being rude please (I'm a huge crybaby omg) So without further ado... chapter 5._**

* * *

_Three Years Earlier_

_"I'm bored." Travis sighed. _

_It was four in the morning and Ben was nowhere near sleepy. Him and Travis were attempting to pull an all-nighter, aided by copious amounts of sugar and bad horror movies. Ben lay on his back on the carpet, face up, and watched the ceiling fan spin, whirring monotonously, on medium speed. He thought about the previous day. It had been good. They had gone to the park and wandered by the stream by hours, and met up with Charlotte and Quinn at Wendy's. After they had finished their food, they stayed for an indefinite amount of time, watching all the different kinds of people come and go. Quinn listened to people's orders, a challenge with Travis next to her. Quinn would marry the concept of lists if she could, and organized personality types by their orders. Shier people ordered salads and chicken sandwiches, and louder ones ordered cheeseburgers and Frosties. Charlotte laughed, Travis thought it was a load of crap, and Ben pondered it for a while. _

_They went back to Travis's house, since it was the biggest. They played board games with their favorite music playing loudly in the background and Charlotte and Travis got a little bit too passionate about winning. When Charlotte finally won at Life, Travis sulked for the next thirty minutes, then broke out the ice cream and ate it straight out of the tub, "the way you were supposed to". _

_Charlotte and Quinn finally left, three hours after. Ben and Travis were alone, and although he loved being with the girls, sometimes he really just wanted to be alone with Travis._

_Travis was his best friend. He was sure this would always be true, and that it would never change. It hadn't changed in the ten years since they had met, why would it ever?_

_"You're always bored," Ben answered him._

_"Not today. It was fun. But now you're being boring, and I'm bored."_

_"Ouch. That's harsh, man." _

_"Not really." Travis smiled. "You love my factualness." Ben snorted._

_His playful banter with Travis was an enjoyable constant in his life. If Travis wasn't joking around or exaggerating, you knew he was serious. _

_Ben was still watching the ceiling fan, attempting to pick out a single blade and watching it rotate. _

_"You look stupid with your eyes going around like that." _

_Ben mumbled, "Too bored to care."_

_"Who do you like?" Travis asked, obviously trying to strike up a somewhat interesting conversation. He didn't have much luck._

_"No one, right now."_

_"Oh, come on. You can't like nobody. That's just not possible."_

_"Of course it is."_

_"You don't want a girlfriend? At all?"_

_Color seeped into Ben's face. "Not really..." Other than Charlotte, who he would never date in a million years even if he liked her, and Quinn, who he was a little afraid of, girls were never a big part of his life. When he looked at girls wearing next to nothing, that's exactly what he felt. Next to nothing. He had tried thinking of having sex with a pretty girl many a time. Still nothing. It was a source of embarrassment for him and he disliked talking about the subject immensely, and usually tried to change it._

_"Uh, so... we have a big algebra test next week, right?"_

_Travis scoffed. "Are we _seriously _talking about school? It's spring break, Ben. Stop trying to change the subject." He ran his hands through his hair thoughtfully. "When was the last time you liked a girl?"_

_"Um, probably sixth grade."_

_"Who?"_

_"Charlotte, remember? And then she punched me in the face. So it was over pretty quick."_

_Travis laughed. "I'd think that'd make you like her even more." _

_Ben shrugged. "I'm not that into girls, okay? Just stop making it a big deal."_

_Silence; then he realized what he had just said._

_"I mean, I like girls. But, umm, they're just not really, uh... a priority for me right now. So yeah." The red in his cheeks was getting darker. _The more I say, the worse it sounds... _he thought._

_"Alright, whatever." He heard Travis say. Ben couldn't see his face, but he was sure Travis was smirking to himself. Ben did not reply. They laid there for a while, letting the silence hang over the room like a blanket._

_He was considering calling it quits on the all-nighter. He wasn't tired, but he really couldn't stand doing nothing for too much longer_.

_Travis finally broke the silence. "I'm horny."_

_Ben wasn't quite sure what to think about this._  
_"Um, alright."_

_There was a very long pause. _

_"On a scale from one to ten of horniness, I am at a 57."_

_Ben concentrated on thinking why he picked such a random number._

_"That's interesting," he said after a while. _

_Travis looked down at him from the bed with half-lidded eyes. He looked at Ben for a very long time, and Ben stared back at him. The silence was overwhelming._

_"I need help," Travis blurted._

_Ben thought. He thought about how much courage it had taken for him to say those words in this context. He thought about his disinterest in girls and for a fleeting second considered a certain possibility why that might be. He thought about Travis, his hand in his pants, biting his lips, and looking incredibly embarrassed, but too desperate to care. He thought about his best friend in an entirely new light, his mind going to a place it had never dared to venture before. Ben really did think too much, and many people had told him this. In retrospect, Ben really didn't think very much in the next few moments, when he said, "Okay."_

_That was the singular utterance that caused his downfall. "Okay." _

_"Get up here."_ _Travis demanded, a husky quality to his voice._

_Ben moved dreamlike to the bed. All his inhibitions seemed to fade away. He positioned himself over Travis. He had no idea what he was doing, and must have looked incredibly lost, and Travis seemed to sense so. He pushed Ben over so that he was on top. Travis's eyes glazed over, burning with lust, and continued to gaze at Ben with such intensity that Ben opened his mouth to ask what he wanted him to do, right when Travis silenced him with a kiss._

_It wasn't a sweet, romantic kiss. It was desperate, and hungry, and needy, and controlling, and forceful, and Ben somehow didn't mind as Travis's tongue entered his mouth. He had never been kissed before, and always imagined his first kiss to be an awkward affair_. _But this was far from awkward. This felt good, and sent all sorts of wonderful sensations across Ben's skin. There was an electricity in the air he had never felt before._

_He never imagined it would go like this. He felt lightheaded, and warm_, _and right._

_He offered resistance and kissed back, clearly having no idea what the hell he was doing and not giving a damn. He figured copying Travis was a safe bet. It turned out to be, since Travis started kissing him harder. He nipped at Ben's bottom lip and Ben let out a little whimper. He had never felt this good before in his entire life. He wanted more. Travis reached for Ben's shirt, ripping at the buttons. They popped off one by one, exposing him. Ben could not give a damn at all what happened to his shirt, which was now nothing but an obstacle._

_Travis moved his kiss southwards, stopping only to suck on his collarbone. _Why the hell does that feel good? _Ben vaguely wondered._ _He found himself short of breath and gasped with pleasure as Travis's mouth moved down his chest. He could think of nothing else, not even the fact that he was the one who supposed to help Travis with his "problem", but wanting him to continue in that direction. He moaned and Travis paused to whisper in his ear, "God, you're so hot." Ben felt a hot, twisting sensation in his stomach and decided that he wanted to feel that again_.

_At that precise moment Travis grabbed at Ben's pants. He must have liked what he felt, because there was an awfully smug grin on his face, and he said "You want me to fuck you, huh?"_

_Ben did not think anyone could have nodded faster than he did. _

_Travis shook his head. He continued to work his hand. "Say it," he whispered. "Tell me you want it."_

_"I want you to... to.." he couldn't seem to get the words out._

_Travis leaned over him. His free hand pulled the hair at the back of Ben's neck, tilting his head up to him. He could feel his hot breath on his lips. "C'mon, tell me. Tell me how you want me." He let go of his hair and straddled Ben, grinding into him. "_Beg."

"_I want you to fuck me," Ben whispered. Travis leaned in closer. "Say my name."_

_"Oh god, Travis, please fuck me, please, please, please..." he moaned. _

_Travis smiled. "That's what I thought." He laid back down and removed his own shirt and kicked off his pants. He was already stroking himself and Ben could feel himself shaking with want. He couldn't stand it anymore. He pulled off Travis's boxers and_-

_"Oh god, yes, fuck," Travis panted. He looked down at Ben. Ben still had absolutely no idea if what he was doing was right, but at this point he assumed instinct was just kicking in_.

_"Holy fucking Christ, you..." Travis moaned. He dug his hands into Ben's hair again and guided his head up and down. Ben lost any form of control he had had and Travis was thrusting into his mouth, faster and faster. Then he suddenly went very slow, taking his time. "Feels so fucking good..." he groaned. Ben stopped licking and started sucking, which evidently was a good move as Travis thrust harder into him, gasping "Yes, oh shit, you're so– fuck– yes, right there–"_

_As Ben's pace increased, so did Travis's cursing. He kept moaning "fuck" over and over, probably breaking some sort of record as far as use of the word during sex. Ben didn't know the word could possibly have so many meanings._

_"Fuck! Ohh fuck me, Ben, you're so fucking gorgeous, keep doing that, oh fuck yes. Oh god, I'm gonna... fuck!" _

_Travis scrunched up his face, bit his lip and threw his head back. "I'm gonna cum, oh god I'm gonna, Ben–"_

_There was suddenly a salty taste in Ben's mouth, and it took him a bit to realize what had just happened. He swallowed. He could definitely see why it was an acquired taste. "Hold on," he told Travis, and went to get some water. _

_A minute later, Ben returned. He laid on the bed next to Travis, who had put back on his clothes. They remained as they were for a while, in silence. Ben turned to Travis expectantly. But Travis laid there, seemingly oblivious to Ben's needs. _

_"So..." Ben began, not sure what to say without being rude. Travis cut him off with a rather loud "Goodnight", and faced the wall, away from him._

_Ben kept quiet. He figured Travis was probably pretty embarrassed about what had just happened, but he was too. _It'll be fine in the morning. He's just tired. We'll be laughing about it tomorrow. _Ben mused. His heart was still throbbing with excitement from what had just transpired, and so was his_- oh. Goddammit. _Ben felt a pang of annoyance. _He either is too embarrassed to face me, or assumed I wouldn't get anything out of it, I guess. _Either way, he still had a problem that needed taking care of. He sighed, got up, and went to the bathroom._

_When he was done, he laid down on the floor where he had previously been, not sure if Travis was still awake. Boundaries were begging not to be crossed, and even though Ben suddenly wanted to climb into bed with Travis and be close to him, he decided it would be best to stay away for now. _

_Ben sighed again, drawing it out longer this time. He felt as if he had suddenly had some sort of odd, unclear epiphany, like he had figured something out about himself that was begging to be addressed. _Right. Girls. _An incredibly unpleasant conversation between himself and his inner voice followed. _

_**You're gay, aren't you?**_

No, no... that was just one time. I've liked a girl before. I know I like girls.

**You liked your female best friend four years ago. That doesn't count.**

Sure it does.

**Besides, having a girl best friend is a gay guy thing.**

Not necessarily.

**Then how come that just now was the only time you ever really _felt _something? **

I have before.

**Sure, when you jerk off, you just think about something that would feel good to your dick. That's obvious. But you liked Travis kissing you. You wanted to do that more. The way his lips feel on yours, the way he touched you.**

Anyone would...

**Exactly. You don't see why anyone wouldn't be attracted to Trav. You think he's gorgeous. Even perfect. You're just now realizing it, aren't you? How wonderful he is, how good you feel when you're with him, you never want to leave his side. You want to be close to him. That close. Closer.**

That doesn't mean I'm gay...

**Maybe not. But you have romantic feelings for him.**

Just because of sex?

**No. That triggered it. It took that for you to realize. You have always felt like this. Like you care more than he does. Right? You're the one following him, looking up to him, admiring him. You've always loved him. It was always a deep love and you know it. And now you've just figured out that love was just the tip of the iceberg.**

_It was hopeless. There was nothing else to say in his defense. All at once, Ben felt his walls crumble down, the walls he had no idea existed until now. _

* * *

_A Week Later_

_The first person he told was Charlotte. This much was expected of him by her, being the second best confidant in Ben's life besides Travis himself, who was not an option right now. "_Hey Travis, I think I might have a big gay crush on you_." _Yeah, that would go nicely. _Ben's inner voice dripped with sarcasm. He was feeling rather vitriolic about the whole ordeal. Really, he'd had it coming. He should have seen this in his future as far back as seventh grade, normally a time for sexual discovery in preteen boys; a time of confusing disinterest and forced heterosexual thoughts for him. _

_Charlotte had it easy. Or, so he assumed. She at least was very confident about her sexuality. Experimenting with plenty of different boys in middle school, one of which being Travis, just didn't cut it for her, she had told him, and she realized "girls were the bomb dot com" (her words). She'd been with three girls since eighth grade, and Ben had to admire her openness about it. "When you're in theatre," she said, "literally nobody cares who you wanna fuck." Unfortunately, this was not the attitude of a large portion of their school. _

_They had agreed to go for frozen yogurt earlier that day and met up outside of school. The walk there was laden with silence, erratically interrupted by Charlotte every once in a while to begin a rant about the correlation ("THERE IS NONE!" She had shouted fervently) between a woman's hair length and her sexuality. _

_The pair had just walked in the door when Charlotte added to her argument, "I mean look at me, I'm a lesbian and my hair is longer than half of all the straight girls in the world." This point was expressed rather loudly and attracted the attention of many customers inside the shop, and Ben shot her a look. _

_"Um, yeah, on that tangent..." Ben began, after serving himself and sitting down at their usual table. "Something... happened last week."_

_Charlotte gave him an inquisitive look, and motioned for him to go on. _

_"With Travis, and uh... well...there's a little... I mean, we... uh-"_

_"Oh my god, just spit it out!" She hissed._

_"I think I'm in love with him!" Ben whisper-shouted. His face was as red as it could get, even in the presence of such trusted company._

_Jaw dropped and eyes round, she replied, "Holy crap. What exactly happened?"_

_"The condensed version is that it's late at night, we were both bored, and he just tells me out of the blue that he's horny. Then it's super awkward, and gets five thousand times more awkward when he asks me for help." Charlotte's jaw remained unhinged. "So I, uh... give him a bl... you know. And when he's um, finished, I kinda need some help too, and he just ignores me and goes right to sleep. And I couldn't. I was up all night thinking about him. And why I said yes. And I just... something clicked. And it was so awkward the morning after, we barely talked. He just left. And its still really awkward between us."_

_Charlotte responded once again, "Holy crap." _

_Ben retained a deadpan face. "That's all you can say?" He asked, exasperated._

_"No! It's just... damn. I was _not _expecting that. Like, at all. Wow."_

_"Some advice would be nice..." Ben sighed._

_"Advice? My only advice to you is to maybe stay away from Trav for a while. You know how weird he can get with love and sex and feelings." She waved her hand in the air. "Give you and him some space. And if even after that, the feelings are still there, you should look into it."_

_"It?"_

_"A relationship. I mean, there has to be a reason he asked you to fuck him or whatever you two did. He wouldn't just do that randomly. He's pretty weird, but he has a method to the madness. He doesn't lead people on, you know that-"_

_"Charlotte, I think I might be gay."_

_She looked at him for a very long time, contemplating. "Hm." She said after a while. "Yep. I can see that. My gaydar is going crazy." He knew there was no sarcasm involved. He sighed again. At least the admission had lifted a weight from his shoulders._

_"I really love him, Charlotte," Ben whispered, the desperation he had been holing up inside of him seeping out word by word._

_She smiled sadly. "I can tell."_

* * *

**Am I making Ben too OOC? This is a question that's just recently been bothering me... if so, please tell me how I can write him better. I haven't played TWDG in forever, since like January... maybe it's time for a character study :D **

**Thank you for reading!**


	6. Shatter

"We're home," Travis announced as he pulled into the driveway, this time for real. Ben strained to see the time through hazy vision and made out the numbers 10:01. He sat quietly, his mind reeling. A surge of anger flashed through him. _I hate dreaming. Especially, _he thought, _when it seems so real, and then it's all gone. Just like that._

He yawned, and received a startled look from Travis. "What, you're tired? Already?"

Ben returned his stare. "What, did you not notice me sleeping?"

"No, I wasn't really paying attention," Travis replied, his tone nonchalant. He removed his keys from the ignition and stepped out of the car. Ben followed suit and soon found himself in Travis's living room.

"I'm gonna take a nap, if that's okay," He said, sinking down onto the closest leather couch. Just like that, he was out.

When Ben opened his eyes, he again found himself dazed and confused, in a different setting than he had fallen asleep in. He rubbed his eyes and asked blindly, "Trav, where am I?"

A pair of big brown eyes greeted him from the edge of the bed next to which he laid. "My room, idiot." He said this not unkindly, even with a fond smile on his face. Ben sat up, still in his clothes from the previous day. Travis seemed to notice the confused look on Ben's face, and added, "I helped you up here. You were half-asleep and I tried to carry you but let's face it, that's hopeless. It was hard cause you're a goddamn beanpole." He smirked.

Ben allowed himself a smile. The mental image of Travis attempting to carry him was just too amusing to keep a straight face at.

"What time is it?" He yawned.

"Two."

"And you're still not tired?"

"You forget how much stamina I have, darling. Let's play a game."

For the next hour and a half, the two immersed themselves in video games, and Ben forgot all about boys and love and dreaming about things he couldn't have, and so intensely focused on beating Travis that it wasn't long before the two boys were standing up in front of the T.V., jumping and yelling passionately. When Travis became irritated that somehow everytime he won, Ben one-upped him, he insisted on playing on the same team, which worked out much better for everyone involved, especially Travis's family, who had been rudely woken up when Travis lost for the third time and let out an enraged roar.

When their eyes were burned out and their reflexes slowed, Travis switched off the T.V. and laid down on the floor, looking absolutely exhausted.

"Get me something sugary, Benny dear?" He asked in an incessantly sweet tone, just after Ben had sat down next to him. "Fine," he sighed, and bounded back downstairs. He knew where everything was in their kitchen, and immediately headed towards the pantry. He somehow managed to fit a whole box of Oreos, two bags of M&Ms, one bag of marshmallows, a jar of Nutella, an already-opened bag of fun-sized Twix, and a spoon in his arms. Carefully, he balanced his cargo and slowly walked up the stairs. He entered Travis's room and began, "Now I know you don't like Nutella, Trav, but this is for me. Also, have you noticed you're out of–"

He stopped. He was talking to thin air.

Ben dropped the sweets and noticed the open window. _Oh fuck, did he... _Ben stuck his head out the window, and saw nothing. He checked the bathroom. Not there. He checked his brother's deserted room. Not there. The balcony. Not there.

Downstairs. His heart was racing and mind was reeling. He looked in the living room. The kitchen again. The second bathroom. The laundry room. The office. Travis was nowhere to be found.

The last place he checked was the backyard. It took him a few minutes to find it. Ben stood there, lost and panicking, feeling the anxiety take a hold of him, thinking to himself, _Fuck fuck fuck, where is he, what's going on, this is my fault, I did something._

That's when he saw the sock laying in the grass.

He dived to the ground, not caring about the water seeping into his clothes. He sat there for a minute, trying to comprehend, shaking with fear, when he looked in the direction of the woods.

_He went in there. _

He grabbed the sock in his left hand and scrambled up to the backyard gate, unlatching the door with trembling hands. His legs propelled him faster than he had ever felt them go, uncaringly leaving the gate open, racing past the shadows the trees casted upon the ground, his only guide being the moonlight. "TRAVIS!" He screamed breathlessly. He stopped at a clearing, and changed his course. His head darted left and right, searching for something, _anything,_ that would alert him to Travis's whereabouts.

Suddenly, he heard a distant yell, and stopped dead in his tracks. _I think it came from behind me– _

He turned around and sprinted towards the sound, eventually coming to a halt, having to catch his breath. A frantic feeling of desperation seized him, and he hit himself in the head, _Come on, man the fuck up, every second you waste is a second he could be getting away–_

Ben began to sprint again, panting and wheezing, feeling more terrified every passing moment. Then he noticed a rustling sound next to him, and stopped again.

Silencing his footsteps, Ben crept toward the noise, trying to quiet his heavy breaths. He could practically hear his heart pounding in his chest, pumping electricity through his body, adrenaline making him alert and awake again. He heard a grunt and a solid thump, and froze in a squatting position, trying to flatten himself against a tree trunk. He heard muffled voices, and prayed to every possible deity that he wouldn't fuck up _again_ and get himself found, and squeezed his eyes tightly shut. The voices quieted, and then there was a horrible laugh, the kind of laughter that sends shivers up your spine and makes you feel utter hopelessness. This was the effect it had on Ben, and he didn't dare move a muscle.

Excruciatingly long minutes passed, and Ben remained where he was, racked with panic and fear. He tried to calm himself down, but only succeeded in making a pathetic sniffing noise and a choked sob. Tears threatened to spill down his face and the only thing that kept him in place and not on the ground rocking back and forth and screaming was the prospect of getting both him and Travis found out and subjected to God only knew what.

After more minutes passed by and Ben heard no more voices, he dared to move himself forward a few inches. Inch by inch he crept towards the tangled bush he had been concealed behind, and cautiously peeked through the branches. There wasn't enough room between them to get an adequate view, and slowly, carefully, he raised himself off the ground and poked his head over the bush.

He saw absolutely nothing, cursing at himself, and stood up to move to another area, feeling more frustrated and desperate than ever, when he saw out of the corner of his eye a person-sized white and blue lump. His eyes locked on, and he was frozen in place with shock.

Lying on the ground, motionless and ragged, was the limp form of his best friend.

"Travis..." Ben choked out, collapsing to his knees in front of his cover. He was out in the open, vulnerable, but he didn't care. His tunnel vision was limited to only Travis's body, unable to see anything else. His clothes were torn and Ben noticed new bruises coloring the patches of skin that showed. The tears he had been holding back started to pour, dripping from his face to the grass, mixing with the dew. He felt paralyzed, but forced himself to crawl towards Travis, and grabbed him by the shoulder, shaking him frantically. "Travis, oh god. Please be okay." He whispered.

Travis finally moved, sending a tsunami of relief over Ben, and turned his head to face him. Tear-stained and blank, his face was empty. The feeling of relief vanished from Ben's system almost immediately. Something was horribly, horribly wrong.

"B..." Travis gasped. "Ben." Ben let out an audible sob and lifted Travis up, drawing him to his chest. Travis buried his face into Ben's shirt, and clutched at the fabric on Ben's back. He seemed so small and vulnerable, and Ben wrapped his arms around him gingerly, for he felt that if he handled the boy too roughly he would shatter.

"Oh no, no no no... this is my fault," Ben whispered into Travis's damp, tangled hair, feeling an overwhelming wave of guilt wash over him. Travis shook his head in return. "No." He murmured against Ben.

"Yes it is, I should have kept an eye on you, I just..." Ben sniffed. "You've been acting weird–" Travis whimpered in response, "I'm sorry," and fresh tears were falling from his eyes, and Ben held him closer, leaving gentle, reassuring kisses on his forehead, trying desperately to comfort him.

"Don't be sorry. You did nothing wrong."

"Yes I did," Travis whispered, and extracted his head from Ben's hands to look him in the eyes. He looked remorseful and wracked with guilt, and Ben couldn't shake the feeling even as he rubbed Travis's back and replied, "No, you didn't." He kissed him on the top of his head again. He himself had been in this position many times, and it was disconcerting to see the tables turned. His anxiety had gotten the better of him plenty of times, and Travis had always been there to hold him and calm him down. It was part of the reason Ben had fallen for him in the first place. Travis could take whatever he threw at him,and embraced him, all of him, and Ben owed him an infinite debt. Words never came easy to him as they seemed to come to Travis, and Ben had always feared that if he was placed in a similiar situation, he wouldn't be able to be much comfort.

Feeling a rush of courage and adrenaline, Ben tilted Travis's chin up, gazed into those infuriatingly brown eyes, then closed his own and kissed him softly on the lips.

The kiss didn't last long, and Ben didn't intend for it to, as he only trusted himself with so much. It was not their first kiss, but it certainly felt like it, and for a moment Ben was taken back in time to spring break, freshman year. He could almost feel the breeze of the fan on his skin and Travis's hot breath on his neck.

Travis looked up him with wide, trusting eyes, and clung to him even tighter. Ben said quietly, "Trav, we need to go back. Back home."

Travis nodded, a distant look crossing his face, and answered "Okay." Ben helped him up. He felt wobbly from shock and fear, and asked Travis, "Can you walk alright?" Travis nodded weakly, and tentatively stepped forward, then stopped and offered Ben his hand. Ben took it without hesitation, and his warm hand enveloped Travis's cold, clammy fingers and gripped them tight, letting him know that he was there for Travis, every step of the way.

When they reached his room, Travis let go of Ben's hand and collapsed on his bed, curling up into a fetal position. He was still shaky, and Ben sat down on the edge of the bed and continued stroking Travis's back.

After a while, Ben tentatively asked, "Do you want to talk about what happened?" Travis responded with an apathetic shrug, and Ben almost wished he had said no instead of showing such disinterest in recent events.

Ben lowered his voice and gently prodded, "It might help if you talk about it."

Travis inhaled sharply, and answered after a moment of heavy silence. "The guy who sent me that text."

Ben nodded. "What about him?"

"It was him." Travis said, his voice wavering. "I forgot to see him."

"You forgot?" Ben frowned. "You had to see him? Why did you _have _to see him?"

Travis did not answer.

"Travis, I–"

"I just had to. Okay? If I didn't, he would have found me. He would have come here and done it to both of us. I have... I have to give him what he wants. Otherwise..." he trailed off.

"Otherwise what? What would happen? What does he want?" Ben hurriedly asked, noticing Travis's eyes grow heavy.

"I can't tell you," Travis murmured. His eyes closed, and Ben was left to speculate the possibilities alone in the dark, a sense of hopelessness filling him. It would take a whole lot of prodding and manipulation to get the truth out of Travis, and Ben didn't think he could make himself do that right then. So he just laid a gentle hand on Travis's back, hoping he could do _something _to make him feel secure.

Sleep did not come to him that night. Instead Ben spent the night by his best friend's side, not daring to get up in fear of Travis running out again. He woke a few times, gasping for air, haunted by whatever had transpired in the woods, and Ben held him close, whispering comforting words into his ear. Once, Travis started retching, and Ben had to help him to bathroom. They were there for a while, and Ben felt a sense of deja vu, reliving that evening a week ago. But this time things seemed much worse, and after Travis finally assured him in a wavering voice that he was finished and staggered back to the bedroom, there was a twisting, sinking feeling in Ben's stomach. He didn't know how much longer he could allow things to go like this for them.

So he sat Travis down, and asked him to look him in the eyes. Travis obeyed, eyelids weighing heavy, a sad, melancholy look on his face. "Travis. I hope I only have to tell you this once." He began with a deep breath. "I know something is up. Trying to hide this from me is pointless. And I don't know what the hell is going on, but I can tell you I'm going to figure out." Travis started to protest, but Ben continued on.

"No, I know what you're going to say. "It's none of your business." Well, now it is, because it's hurting you, Trav, and it _kills _me to see you like this instead of your normal self. Okay? I don't know if you know how shitty it is to see someone you– someone you care so much about be reduced to... this." He broke eye contact, and prepared himself to say something that had been begging to be said for years.

"I miss the way we used to be."

He concentrated on the sheets and continued, "When you would tell me everything. When I would tell you everything, and we were just, I don't know, almost telepathically connected or something, and now I feel like I'm losing you." His voice caught on _losing_, and he felt like such an idiot and couldn't stop the words from pouring out, "And I never, ever want to lose you. You... you make me want to _live."_

There was a long stretch of silence between them that seemed to last for an eternity. Ben didn't dare look at Travis, fearing it might just break him. "Look," he choked out, "I need you to promise me that you won't ever let this happen again."

Travis looked up, and Ben's breath hitched as he noticed the tears welling up in those brown, brown eyes, and almost zoned out before Travis replied "I… I'll try."

Ben grabbed his wrists and pulled them in towards him. "Don't try, just do."

Travis cracked a faint smile and released one of his hands to wipe at the tears that had escaped, despite his best efforts. "Okay, Yoda."

Ben kept his gentle grip on Travis's wrist, feeling an undercurrent of electricity buzzing through his skin from the contact. The two were silent again, for a while. After he saw Travis's head begin to droop, he remarked "Sleep. You'll feel better." He began to stand up.

Suddenly, Travis yanked on his hand, forcing him to sit back down. "Don't leave me." He said, his voice laden with fear.

Ben laid back against the wall, his legs long enough to hang over the edge of the bed. Slowly, Travis rested his head on Ben's shoulder, and Ben asked, "Don't you want to lay down?"

Travis shook his head, and wrapped his arms around Ben's, clinging on to him, as if he would crumble otherwise. He knew if Travis were sober, he would never have shown this amount of vulnerability, and it hurt.

"Ben?" Travis asked after a moment. His voice was curious and the moon shone on his face and his touch was soft and Ben took a deep breath and answered, "What?"

"Why do people change?" He sounded the saddest Ben had ever heard him and a knife of pity twisted in his stomach, even though he knew Travis would disapprove.

"I wish I knew," Ben replied quietly, "I really wish I knew."


	7. I'm Proud of You

Late October always brought a sense of excitement with it, a buzz in the air that affected everyone attending school. Halloween was quickly approaching, as was fall break, and grades dropped, as the start-of-school rush was finally wearing off. Most didn't care about their grades at any given time of year, including Travis, who had been lazy enough to let his grade average drop to a 59 in his easiest class, band. His argument to Mr. Parker was that they were seniors and it wasn't even going on their transcripts anyway, so why bother? Ben had remarked that not everyone's parents were as lenient as his when it came to grades, and Travis merely shrugged and sat back down in the corner that him, Ben, Charlotte and Quinn had occupied. It was a free day, since they had just performed at a game last night, and Mr. Parker was feeling generous, he had told them.

"I don't think UGA is gonna care about my average in _band_ in _senior year_," Travis grumbled. "He doesn't have to move me down a chair." Charlotte snickered.

Quinn spoke up, adding "I heard that they look more at the extracurricular activities and clubs that you've been involved in, which is definitely a problem for me." Her shyness did not allow her to be particularly adept at socialization, especially with strangers.

"Oh, shut up, Q. You got ranked like 25th in the school last year. If Harvard was a person, it would give up an arm and a leg to have you." Charlotte waved her hand derisively at Quinn's comment. "And speaking of clubs, I saw a poster outside the band room for the new Gay-Straight Alliance club, which in my opinion is WAY overdue. It meets this Thursday, anybody game?"

"I am," Ben answered immediately. Charlotte gave him a knowing look, and he ignored it.

"Me, too." Quinn interjected.

Charlotte grinned approvingly. "Trav?"

Travis looked down, suddenly very occupied with the ground. "I don't know, probably not..." Ben felt his heart drop into the same region as his stomach. _Oh._

Noticing the frowns on all three of their faces, Travis quickly said, "No, it's not like that, it's just that... I don't really see the point."

"Travis Nathaniel Turner, if I didn't know you better I would say you were a huge asshat." Charlotte folded her arms. Tension hung heavy in the air.

"Stop getting all defensive! I support you, I really do. I just don't think joining some tiny little club in a high school in Georgia is gonna do anything."

"The point isn't to change the world," Charlotte retorted. "It's to give the LGBT people at this school a safe place that they can go to without being judged. And some people really need that."

Travis shifted uncomfortably, replying, "Fine, I'll think about it."

As the final bell rang and students clamored out of the room, Ben hung back, lost in his thoughts. What did Travis's reluctance mean...? He wasn't secretly a homophobe, was he? He couldn't be. Too much had happened between them already to allow for that possibility. Or maybe the recent contact between the two was starting to freak him out. Whatever the reason was, it gave Ben an uneasy feeling for the next few hours.

Thursday came quicker than Ben would have liked, but unfortunately he could not control the passage of time, or else he would be back in his bedroom last night calmly thinking about what he would say at the GSA meeting, rather than sitting in his desk in 5th period all clenched up with his head down, trying to fight the nauseous feeling bubbling in the pit of his stomach. Wincing, he thought, _Maybe I can just not talk at all. Maybe I can skip._

Charlotte must have recently acquired telepathic abilities, because only moments after this particular thought went through Ben's head did she lean over and tell him, "You _are_ still speaking today."

Ben groaned. "Why?"

Charlotte sat up, and Ben watched her from the corner of his eye. "Because I promise this will make you feel better. Nobody outside the club has to know. You'll feel much more at ease with yourself."

"What if I don't?"

Charlotte sighed impatiently. "Look at me, Ben. No, look at me. Do you remember how shitty I was in middle school? I was in an awful place, with a lot of people, but mostly myself. I had that burden of pretending to be something I wasn't crushing me. I was in an unhappy relationship with a guy. But after I finally got the balls to acknowledge who I really was, and let it be out there, those problems were gone. Granted, I still had some. But I've been so much happier, and I've had some awesome girlfriends, and if Travis doesn't know–" Ben put his head back on the table and Charlotte shook him on the shoulder, "No, listen to me– if he doesn't ever _know, _then how is there ever gonna be a possibility of you two?"

"Don't guilt trip me into this by using him." Ben muttered.

Charlotte paused, her face falling. "Okay, sorry. You're right. I'm not gonna make you do anything you don't want to. You have to do this by yourself."

Ben didn't reply, staring at the knots in the wooden desk centimeters away from his face. Charlotte was right. Travis should know. But telling him was going to be the hard part.

"Okay." He took a shaky breath in and raised his head. "I'll do it. But I have absolutely no idea how to say it. Y'know, assuming he actually comes." He still felt a little bitter about Travis's response.

"Just tell everybody the truth. You don't have to go into specifics about what made you realize it– you probably shouldn't. You can just pretend Travis isn't in the room if that makes you feel better. You can look at me and pretend you're talking to me, if you want."

Ben shifted his gaze to Charlotte, considering for a minute. "Fine."

She smiled. "Ben, I'm warning you, I'm about to get real cheesy on you. But I'm proud of you and stuff."

The corners of his mouth turned upward for a moment. "Thanks."

The bell rang, and the pair stood up, gathering their stuff. "See ya there." Charlotte waved him goodbye, and Ben prepared to see Travis, trying to keep the butterflies in his stomach in check, a habit that had become second nature to him.

When Ben arrived at room 211, he thought he was attending a meeting consisting of him, Charlotte, and Quinn at most. What he did not expect to see was Charlotte, Quinn, and at least ten other people moving about in the room, and his stomach was unsettled once more. _How the fuck am I supposed to tell all these people_, he thought, and Charlotte saw him and opened the door and grabbed his hand and Ben was tied between exasperation, frustration, and terror all at once as he entered the room.

"Hey Ben," Quinn greeted him from beside Charlotte, and Ben gave her a nervous smile and a wave. Another voice came from behind him, saying "Ben! It's been forever, hey!" He turned around and registered a dark-skinned, wild-haired figure going in to hug him, and with a little pang of guilt, his mind locked on. Angelica.

He and Angelica had dated for a total of three months late in the tenth grade, and everything had been going swimmingly, Ben almost convinced of his returned interest in girls, when his feelings for Travis came painfully rushing back. He couldn't focus on making Angelica happy, and instead found himself pretending he was kissing his best friend instead of his loving girlfriend. He had felt so horrible about the whole ordeal, and tried to make himself love her, he really had, but Travis was the only thing on his mind. She must have sensed something was wrong, because she had confronted him and told him flat out:

_"I see the way you look at him, Ben. I don't want this to continue any longer if you give him more googly eyes than you do to me._"

Ben had told her:

_"I know... I'm sorry. I really liked you, Angie. I really did. I just... thought maybe by being with you, I could shake him off. But I just want him even more now..."_

She had given him a derisive smile, and replied,

_"Well, I'm glad we had this talk before we got too involved. I wish you the best of luck with him. I'm being serious there, by the way." _That was the good thing about her; she didn't hold a grudge. The two had continued to be friends, although the interaction was rather awkward with Travis around.

He weakly hugged her back. "Hey, Angie. Did Charlotte tell you to come?"

"No actually, I'm the vice president." She folded her arms, an expression of pride on her face. "Olivia is the president," she said, nodding towards a tall, tanned girl with honey-colored hair that Ben remembered seeing in a few of the school plays. "I'm really glad you came. I didn't think you would, even though... you know." She added, shrugging. She directed a very telling glance towards Travis, and Ben was momentarily filled with joy that he had decided to come, which was immediately crushed when he saw the girl that was sitting in the seat next to him. His face grew hot and he felt his eyebrow twitch as he gave her the once over. It was Ashleigh.

"I thought he had given up on that... thing." Ben turned back to Angelica, seething.

"Guess not." She said with a sharp intake of breath. "Though I cannot imagine _why _he would bring her here of all places. She's probably one of those white girls who wants a gay best friend but thinks lesbians are gross," She scoffed. Ben nodded in agreement.

Just then, the tall girl, Olivia, stood at the front of the room and quieted everyone with a shout of "HEY!"

"Someone say "gay?"" Charlotte turned around and faced her. There was a short break of laughter.

"Well that _is _why we're here. Uh, for anyone who doesn't know me, I'm Olivia. Hi!" She gave an energetic wave. She vaguely reminded Ben of a golden retriever puppy. "If you're not here for the gay-straight alliance, off with you. Okay?" When no one left, she continued, "Good. Now, we're really disorganized right now, so we don't really have a schedule. But I'm really glad– two, four, s... TWELVE people showed up! That's good, right?! So, in case you're unfamiliar with the term GSA, this is basically a safe space for people of all sexual orientations and gender identities to hang out and generally be awesome together. We're gonna meet in this room every Thursday, and we'll eventually get around to discussing certain topics, playing games, and talking about clubby stuff like t-shirts and everything. But today I think we're just gonna do open mic, which is really just an opportunity to say whatever's on your mind- it doesn't have to be on topic or anything- you can get something off your chest, ask for advice, whatever. So there you have it!"

She grinned and took a bow, and pranced away to the back of the room. "Anyone who wants to talk, just go ahead and get up there. Don't be shy!" Charlotte gave Ben a very pointed look, so pointed it rivaled the sharpness of an exacto knife, and Ben vigorously shook his head. _I'll go, just not first. _He told himself. "I'll go, just not first." He mouthed to Charlotte.

"Nobody?" Olivia asked, dejectedly. Charlotte raised her hand. _Oh, god, here we go... _

"I'll go." Charlotte smiled sweetly, and sauntered to where Olivia had just stood. Ben let out an exhale of relief.

"Hey guys, I'm Charlotte. I think pretty much everyone in here knows me," she laughed. This was probably true, since the room was mostly occupied by the drama club kids. "Anyway, I came out as lesbian in freshmen year, and I'm really glad I did." Clapping followed her admission, and Ben joined in. He listened as she gave almost the same speech she had given him two periods ago, with more detail and emotion, his gaze occasionally wandering to Travis. The two met eyes once, and Travis gave him a half-smile which Ben returned, forgetting about Ashleigh for a moment.

"And that's my story," Charlotte ended cheerfully, and the club gave her more applause. She then looked at Ben, and he knew what was coming before she even opened her mouth. "So earlier I was talking to my friend, Ben over there, and he told me he was going to say something at this meeting. So I'm passing the torch over to you, Ben." She sat back down in her seat next to Quinn, and waited.

Ben felt the whole room's eyes on him and felt oddly light as he stood up, his head swimming. Everything he had planned out in his head had slipped away, leaving jumbled words and disjointed thoughts barreling through his mind. He made his way to the front, making eye contact with Travis on the way, who looked concerned. He asked Ben with his eyes if everything was alright, and Ben raised his eyebrows and tightened his mouth in a thin line as if to say, _"You'll see."_

"So, um." He began, and his mouth was so dry that the words came out as a rasp, and he cleared his throat. He was sure everybody could see him shaking even at a distance.

"I'm Ben, but yeah, you already know that. And um, I'm really... really bad at giving speeches, and talking, and stuff, so sorry." His eyes darted around all over the place. They finally rested on Charlotte, who gave him an encouraging look. "So I... am not really a person to talk about myself a lot, you know. Mostly because I usually have no idea what the hell I'm doing.

"But uh, there's one thing that I... have been thinking a lot about, and um, just in the past like, um, three years, I've realized something." He didn't dare look at Travis and took another deep breath. "The last time I liked a girl was three years ago, and the only time before that was in the sixth grade for about an hour, and well, they're both sitting here in this room right now." He gave a nervous laugh and Charlotte held up peace signs and nodded as if she were proud of herself.

"But other than those, little things, I've never really had that much interest in dating, I thought. I thought it was just, I didn't really need anybody. But sometime in high school, I realized that wasn't really what it was." He took a long pause, and everybody seemed to hold their breath. "I realized I liked guys."

There was complete silence. Ben forced himself to look at Charlotte, who nodded for him to go on. "And now I know why I never really, uh, felt anything around girls in bikinis or their underwear, like teenage boys are supposed to.

"Because I'm gay."

There was a moment of silence that weighed so heavily on Ben that it threatened to crush him, and then the room erupted into applause. Charlotte stood up, but Ben didn't look to see if anyone else did, because his eyes were locked on Travis.

Travis stared back at Ben, his eyes wide and mouth agape, and for a fleeting moment Ben felt his heart sink. But Travis grinned, his smile lighting up his whole face, and went to hug Ben. He threw his arms around the taller boy and rocked from side to side, trapping him in the tightest bear hug he had ever experienced. Ben couldn't keep himself from blushing madly and smiling with him. After a few seconds that seemed like a wonderful eternity enjoying his warmth and closeness to Ben, Travis stood on tiptoes and whispered into Ben's ear: "I'm proud of you."

It was the second time he had heard that particular phrase that day, and this time he really believed it and took comfort in the words. He responded by hugging Travis even tighter, burying his face in his shoulder. It was such a simple thing, that hug, but Ben felt incredibly happy thinking about it the next few days to come.

* * *

**OKAY 5 THINGS:**

**1. does band even have "chairs" i know orchestra does but idk i was too lazy to check**

**2. i based the gsa off of my schools gsa because they are an amazing group of people they even meet in room 211 and every thursday (actually we changed it to friday but who cares) what i'm trying to say is that so much of the stuff in this fanfic is influenced by my life that unless you were like sara or myself you wouldn't catch all of it but yeah this is really close to me idk sdjgk**

**3. i hope you like travis' headcanon name because the initials are TNT and he is probably a little too excited about that fact idk i just liked the sound of it travis turner ok bye. -/-**

**4. i hope you don't mind angelica! i love her a lot! she's a cool chick. and sorry about ashleigh i didnt forget about her (but we will in a bit because come on this is a bravis fanfic i mean really) also pay attention to olivia ~she will return~**

**5. i'm not gay (i am pan though and i've never officially come out bc i have a boyfriend so no one really asks...) so i'm sorry if bens coming out speech doesnt do him justice**

**ugh im really self conscious about this chapter and that its so short but i hope it was okay if you have any suggestions/comments about something i need to change just let me know! and i will edit it and start working on chapter 8 tonight! thank you for reading this!**


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